


Listen When the Universe Tries to Tell You Something

by writing_in_the_dark



Category: Gintama
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Parody, Soulmates, rated T for idk f bombs I guess, there's even some romance and heartwarming, there's some action and drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-14 23:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_in_the_dark/pseuds/writing_in_the_dark
Summary: Dozens of people around Edo wake up one morning with marks on their arms. Some of them discover someone else in the city with an identical mark, and the matching marks are taken to mean the universe is telling them they are soulmates.But…What if you find a person with a mark that matches yours, and you’re not all that fond of the person? Say, for example, he’s the lazy, nose-picking guy who always seems to follow you around on your day off. Or maybe he’s that uptight guy with too many vices who always seems to follow you around on your day off. Do you still have to listen to what the universe is trying to tell you?





	1. The Universe Isn't Trying to Tell You Anything

**Author's Note:**

> Set during pre-Shogun-Assassination Gintama

Sakata Gintoki wakes up his version of early one morning, around 8:00. Walking through his place with his eyes still closed, he goes to the bathroom and takes a piss. Then, while brushing his teeth, he walks out to the living room and turns the TV on, to catch the morning news.

_“…Now we go to Ketsuno Ana, reporting live from the streets of Edo. Ketsuno Ana, what are people saying about this remarkable phenomenon?”_

_The broadcast cuts to Ketsuno Ana, who has a young man and woman standing next to her._

Gintoki’s tired eyes light up at the sight of the woman of his dreams. “Ketsuno Ana!” he gushes, around the toothbrush that’s still in his mouth.

_Ketsuno Ana gives her signature sweet smile and says, “The streets are abuzz with multiple reported instances of what’s being called a miracle.”_

Gintoki smiles like a lovestruck teenager and says, “Ketsuno Ana, are you going to give the horoscope for Libra today?”

_“In fact, the couple here next to me are experiencing this ‘miracle’ first-hand. Hikaru-san and Haruka-san, can you please tell the audience at home when you first noticed the ‘miracle’?”_

_The woman speaks first. “While I was getting dressed for work this morning, I noticed a strange mark on my arm. At first, I just assumed I bruised myself and forgot all about the mark, until…”_

“This is boring. Cut back to Ketsuno Ana,” Gintoki complains.

_The man excitedly interrupts, “…until we met up on the train platform, like we usually do in the morning. I also had woken up with a strange mark on my arm, and like Haruka-san, I didn’t think much of it, but right away, we saw the marks on each other’s arms…”_

“Cut back to Ketsuno Ana! I need my weather report!”

_The woman takes over the story-telling again, “…we held our arms side-by-side, to compare the marks, and they are identical!”_

“I don’t care! Stop talking.”

_Ketsuno Ana asks the couple, “Do you believe these matching marks mean you are soulmates?”_

_Putting their arms around each other and looking disgustingly happy, the woman answers, “Yes! I always knew there had to be a reason we met on the same train platform every morning.”_

Spitting toothpaste froth, Gintoki says bitterly, “I think the train schedule is the reason you met on that platform every morning.”

_The man completes the woman’s thought, “It was destiny. We plan to marry as soon as possible.”_

_The couple holds up their arms, with the inside of the forearm facing the camera, and the camera zooms in on the matching marks. “Thank you, Haruka-san and Hikaru-san, for the eyewitness testimony from a couple who have found their soulmates, thanks to these mysterious markings. This has been Ketsuno Ana, reporting live.”_

“Soulmates? What a load of bullshit!” Gintoki yells, with enough force to accidentally spit his toothbrush out. He picks the toothbrush up off the floor, and it is covered in Sadaharu’s shedded fur. He makes a disgusted face at the state of his toothbrush, turns the TV off, goes to the bathroom, throws his toothbrush in the trash, rinses his mouth out, goes to his bedroom, gets dressed, and walks out the door.

As Gintoki walks down the street, he wonders what he should do with the small amount of money that’s in his wallet. The way he sees it, he has basically two choices: he can either go blow all the money on parfaits or he can use the money to play pachinko, hopefully winning enough money to where he can still get his parfaits but also get totally wasted later.

\--------------------

It’s Hijikata’s day off, so he gets up his version of late, around 7:00. He smokes a cigarette while he walks to the bathroom and takes a piss. When he gets back to his room and puts on his kimono, he notices a strange mark on his arm. He doesn’t think much of it. He figures maybe he bruised it while sparring with the guys yesterday.

Even though it’s his day off, he joins the crew for breakfast and the morning briefing. He’s not sure how he wants to spend his day off. He would like to catch a weather report, to see if today will be a good day to spend outside. He goes back to his room and turns the TV on, just in time for the broadcast to be turned over to Ketsuno Ana. He thinks he has perfect timing for the weather forecast.

He’s annoyed, because instead of giving the weather forecast, it looks like Ketsuno Ana is about to interview some annoyingly bouncy couple. He tunes out what’s being said, until he hears the woman say she woke up to find a strange mark on her arm. His attention is now fully locked onto the interview. He can hardly believe his eyes when the couple holds their arms out and the camera zooms in on the marks. Their marks are just like his, but a different shape.

“Soulmates…?” he wonders out loud, shocked to find out the prevailing theory about the meaning of the marks. He doesn’t fully buy into the theory, but he can’t help but wonder if there is someone out there who bears an identical mark. He’s married to his work, and he hasn’t dated anyone in years. His heart aches a bit at the thought that he might be able to have something he had given up on long ago.

He’s not going to get his hopes up before he finds out more. He wonders if he should see a doctor or something. Maybe there’s a logical explanation for the mark on his arm. He grabs his cell phone, wallet, cigarettes, lighter and mayonnaise bottle, and heads out. As he walks down the street, he considers his next move.

\-------------------

Gintoki and Hijikata walk down the street toward each other, each absorbed in his own thoughts. Neither notices the other until there’s only about five strides of distance between them.

Hijikata’s initial annoyance at seeing Yorozuya on his day off for the umpteenth time is replaced with surprise when he catches a glimpse of a mark similar to his under the sleeve of Gintoki’s kimono. Hijikata quickly covers the remaining distance between them and grabs Gintoki’s arm.

Once Gintoki figures out who’s grabbing him, he smirks and says, “Good morning, Police-Brutality-kun.”

Hijikata pays no attention to the words coming from Gintoki’s mouth. He’s fixated on the inside of Gintoki’s left forearm.

Gintoki looks down at his arm and sees a strange mark. “Huh, I didn’t notice…that…” He trails off when he remembers the couple from the news report. Things get even weirder for him when he notices an identical mark on the arm Hijikata is holding up next to his.

With grave realization of what’s happening, they both slowly bring their gaze up and make eye contact. Neither of them moves or speaks for a solid minute.

Gintoki breaks the awkward silence. Laughing it off, he says, “That soulmates stuff is bullshit, right?”

Hijikata doesn’t respond. The faint hope he had allowed himself to hold out for finding someone has been snuffed, and he wants to cry.

Gintoki can’t stand to let the awkward silence continue, so he offers, “I mean, there’s some reasonable explanation for this, but it’s obviously not that we’re soulmates.”

“Obviously, asshole!” Hijikata snaps at him. Hijikata is upset and just wants to be alone. He turns around and walks away, pulling his sleeve down over his mark.

“See you later, Soulmate-kun!” Gintoki jokingly yells after him.

Not turning around or stopping, Hijikata holds up one middle finger in response.

Gintoki chuckles to himself, entertained by seeing Hijikata so riled up. After that fun exchange, he’s feeling lucky, and he decides to head to the pachinko parlor.

As he starts walking, he examines the newfound mark on his arm. Just like the people on the news broadcast had said, it could easily be taken as a bruise, if there wasn’t someone else out there with an identical mark. But there’s something weird about the shape of the mark, too. It looks familiar to Gintoki. He racks his brain, trying to remember where’s he seen it.

Suddenly, he remembers. He turns around and races to intercept Hijikata.

When Gintoki catches up to him, Hijikata scowls and says, “What the hell do you want?”

“This…” Gintoki says, out of breath, holding out his arm and pointing at the mark. Once he catches his breath, he continues, “Isn’t this the logo for the company that just bought the Ooedo Hall movie theater?”

“How the fuck should I know?” Hijikata answers, annoyed to still have Yorozuya in front of his face, “Some of us work for a living and don’t have time to go to movies.”

“Bullshit!” Gintoki retorts, “You’re at the movie theater every time I go.” When Hijikata starts walking away again, Gintoki says desperately, “Ok, wait, wait…Just look at it. Doesn’t the shape look like it could be a company logo?”

Hijikata gives Gintoki a dubious look, but he inspects the mark on his own arm again. He shares his conclusion. “You’re a fucking idiot. You think this looks like a company logo? You know, a few weeks ago, Kondo-san swore up and down that a piece of tempura broccoli looked exactly like Otae-san’s head.”

Gintoki crosses his arms and says, “Let’s go. I’ll prove it.” Hijikata is about to protest, so Gintoki adds, “The theater is only a few blocks away. Let’s just go, and we’ll see which of us is the fucking idiot.”

\--------------------

Once they get close to the movie theater, Hijikata is forced to face the truth. “Holy shit,” he remarks, staring up at the new Unified Cinemas sign that’s been added above the existing Ooedo Hall sign.

“Well, how do you like that, Baka-kun?” Gintoki gloats.

“I mean…I admit that it looks similar, but the mark on our arms is so light, it’s hard to say it’s a 100% match.”

“But you definitely see the resemblance?”

“Well, yeah, but…this makes no sense. Why would we have Unified Cinemas logos on our arms? How?”

“Those are good questions,” says a pensive Gintoki. Unfortunately, the possibilities are numerous. It could be something extraterrestrial, for all they know. It could be deadly, or it could be completely harmless.

“What do we do? Go see a doctor? Visit a shrine?” Hijikata asks.

“I don’t know,” Gintoki says thoughtfully, “but for now, let’s keep these covered up.”

“Agreed.”

“And let’s go to Tenny’s, so you can buy me a parfait,” Gintoki adds.

“No, moron! Let’s go somewhere that we can talk without attracting unwanted attention.”

\------------------

Upon entering Gintoki’s place, Gintoki heads to the kitchen. From there, he yells out, “Do you want anything to drink? Water? Tea? Strawberry milk? Wait, I take it back. You can’t have any of my strawberry milk.”

“No, I’m fine, thanks.”

Gintoki comes out to the living room with a liter carton of strawberry milk and sits on the couch opposite Hijikata.

Hijikata gives an exasperated sigh and says, “Maybe we should start by listing out all the possible causes of the marks.”

They take turns, starting with Gintoki offering, “A disease.”

“Bio-weapon.”

“Alien technology.”

“Maybe we coincidentally got matching bruises.”

“Maybe we got really drunk together, went and got matching, super-light-colored tattoos, and forgot what we had done, because we were so drunk.”

“Everything we’ve listed so far seems unlikely, if you’re right about it being a company logo.”

“You know, you’re forgetting the most obvious possibility of all, Hijikata-kun.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

Gintoki sets the strawberry milk carton down on the table and looks Hijikata directly in the eyes. In a completely serious tone, he says, “We’re soulmates.”

That isn’t even a vague possibility, in Hijikata’s mind. “Do you want another mark on your body? How about one on your face, the shape of the bottom of my sandal?” he threatens.

Truth be told, Gintoki doesn’t think they’re soulmates either, although it would explain why they always end up together on Hijikata’s day off, even when they intentionally try to avoid each other. “You’re right,” he says, taking a swig of strawberry milk, “Your soulmate would obviously come from the demon realm. Next time I see Gedomaru, I’ll ask if she knows anyone evil enough to date you.”

“Gedo-? Who?”

“My shikigami.”

Hijikata can’t tell if Gintoki is joking about having a shikigami, so he ignores the comment. Sighing again, he says, “Maybe we should list out the possibilities for our next move.”

“Do nothing,” Gintoki says, leaning back and sticking a pinky in his ear.

“You think we should do nothing, even though these marks could be caused by something deadly?” Hijikata asks, his brows skewed in irritation.

“Well, no, obviously not, Oogushi-kun,” Gintoki says, with an eye-roll, blowing earwax from his fingertip.

Hijikata is at a loss about what to do, so he repeats his earlier suggestion. “We could go see a doctor.”

Gintoki makes a sour face and says, “I don’t trust doctors. A doctor tried to harvest my organs one time.” They sit in silence for a moment before Gintoki says, “If we think there’s a chance it’s technology-related, we should go see Gengai.”

Leaning forward, a scowl on his face, Hijikata snaps, “You trust him?! Have you forgotten what he did to us?”

Gintoki leans forward as well and snaps back, “No, I haven’t forgotten! I was the one whose soul got sucked into a cat’s asshole, _asshole_!”

With a hefty sigh, Hijikata leans back and says, “Fine. Let’s go see Gengai.”

\-------------------

On the walk to Gengai’s, Hijikata chain smokes. While he’s lighting his third cigarette of the walk, Gintoki comments, “If your soulmate needs to be able to put up with your vices, you don’t have one. There’s no one in the universe that can put up with your level of addiction.”

Hijikata is still feeling sore about the topic of soulmates. “Shut up.”

“Seriously, if it was just smoking or just mayonnaise, maybe you could find someone, but both at once? Nobody has the patience for that insanity.”

“Like you have talking room. I just watched you drink an entire liter of strawberry milk. I’m surprised you don’t bleed strawberry milk.” As they step into Gengai’s workshop, Hijikata gets one last jab in. “You’re disgusting.”

Gengai greets them, “Ah, Ginnoji and the Demon Vice-Chief! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Hey, old man.” Gesturing toward Hijikata, Gintoki says, “I’d like to introduce you to my soulmate.” Hijikata crosses his arms and frowns. Gintoki holds out his forearm so Gengai can see the mark. “At least that’s what the news is saying these marks mean.”

Hijikata holds his arm out as well, and Gengai’s curiosity piques. “Yes, I heard about this. You both woke up this morning with these marks?” he asks, taking Gintoki’s arm in his hands, so he can get a closer look.

“Yeah, though I didn’t notice mine until Red-String-kun here pointed it out,” Gintoki answers, flinching slightly when Hijikata punches him in the other arm.

Gengai prods at the mark. “Does it hurt?”

Gintoki and Hijikata both shake their head no.

“And you doubt that these are soulmate marks?” Gengai asks.

“You know Unified Cinemas?” Gintoki asks. Gengai shakes his head no, so Gintoki says, “Get on the internet and look up their logo.”

Gengai gets on one of his many computers and searches for Unified Cinemas. Seeing the similarity between the company’s logo and the marks on his guests’ arms, Gengai responds with fascination, “Oh-ho-ho. That’s a pretty good match. Any idea why you have a movie theater logo on your arms?”

“Nope.”

“Can I get one of you to put your arm under this scanner?”

Gintoki knows Hijikata won’t volunteer, so he walks to the piece of equipment with Gengai and lets him position his arm on the scanner.

Gengai goes to another one of his computers, hits a few buttons and says, “A-ha! There you have it.”

Hijikata and Gintoki huddle up behind him, so they can see the screen too. Displayed is an image of the outline of Gintoki’s forearm, with a red circle indicating where the scanner identified a foreign object, in the same location as the mark on his arm.

“Can I extract the object?” Gengai asks, seeming very excited at his discovery.

Hijikata looks terrified and backs up a couple steps. Gintoki teases him, “You are such a fucking baby.” Addressing Gengai, he says, “You can take mine out.”

Gengai rubs the palms of his hands together in anticipation, like the mad scientist he is, then he retrieves several scary-looking surgical utensils, along with an unlabeled bottle of liquid.

Gintoki swallows hard, feeling like a hypocrite at the teasing he just gave Hijikata for being scared. Laughing nervously, he says, “That bottle is full of some kind of really good anesthetic, right? Right?”

“Yep. This is the best anesthetic I have.” Gengai hands him the bottle and says, “It’s saké.”

Gintoki opens the bottle and takes a hesitant whiff. Sure enough, it smells like saké, so he takes a generous swig.

To Gintoki’s relief, Gengai uses the least-scary of the utensils, basically just a long needle with a handle, pushing the needle a couple centimeters down into the flesh of his forearm. Gengai then slowly pulls the needle out and takes it over to another piece of machinery. The entire process was nearly painless, but Gintoki by no means regrets having accepted the free drink.

“Did the mark go away?” Hijikata asks.

Gintoki looks down at his arm, and the mark is still there. He holds it up for Hijikata to see.

Gengai goes to yet another computer console and starts typing. Soon, the screen displays a blank, white image, with the words “Magnification: x1” in the corner. Gengai hits a few buttons and changes the magnification to x10. Now, a small, dark, round object, the size of a grain of sand, can be seen in the center of the screen. Gengai takes the magnification to x100, and enough detail is clear that it’s obvious the object is electronic. “A microchip?” he wonders aloud.

The magnification gets taken to x200, and writing can be seen but not made out. Gengai takes the magnification all the way to x1000, and now, clear as day, the words “Property of Tsuden Inc” can be seen across the middle of the chip.

“What the hell is Tsuden Inc?” Hijikata asks, “I’ve never heard of them.”

Gengai runs an internet search and finds the company website.

“A marketing agency? What the fuck is a marketing agency doing, putting a chip in my arm?” a furious Hijikata practically screams.

“That’s what I want to know,” says Gintoki. “Go to ‘About Us,’” he instructs Gengai. The page shows names, headshots and blurbs about each of the company’s executive leaders. “The President looks like an old man. He’s probably just a figurehead who will be forced into retirement soon. Let’s pay Vice-President Shinohara a friendly visit.”

Hijikata cracks a wry smile, because now they at least have a clue what’s going on. “I need my sword,” he says.

“Are you making this official Shinsengumi business?” Gintoki asks.

“Nah,” Hijikata answers.

Gintoki grins. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Gintoki and Hijikata find out why a marketing firm’s microchip was in their arms? Will they even make it past the Tsuden Inc lobby without getting kicked out for bickering? 
> 
> Perhaps even more importantly, will this story ever earn that ‘Soulmates’ tag its author gave it?
> 
> Find out the answer to all of the above questions in the second half of the story.


	2. The Universe Is Trying to Tell You Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata and Gintoki go to Tsuden Inc HQ and find out the truth about the marks on their arms.

On the way to Tsuden’s headquarters, Gintoki and Hijikata stop by the Shinsengumi barracks and pick up Hijikata’s sword. When they arrive at the Tsuden building, they look noticeably out-of-place, as they are now surrounded mostly by attractive twenty-somethings, dressed in trendy business attire.

Looking toward the reception desk, Hijikata quietly asks, “How do you want to play this?”

Gintoki responds, “I’ll tell the receptionist that I’m an old college buddy of Shinohara-kun’s, and that I want to surprise him with a visit.”

“Did you even finish elementary school?” Hijikata points out.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Gintoki says sarcastically, “I forgot. You have that prestigious university education behind your name.”

“Shut up,” Hijikata says, for what feels to him like the fortieth time today, “Let me handle this.”

Hijikata puts on his scariest Demon Vice-Chief face and strides up to the reception desk.

“Good morning, sir,” the young woman behind the desk says cheerfully, “How can I help you?”

“We need to see Vice-President Shinohara,” Hijikata says sternly.

“My apologies, but the Vice-President is unable to take any visitors without an appointment. If you have business with him, I can pass your contact information along to his assistant.”

Glowering at the young woman intimidatingly, Hijikata says, “You will contact the Vice-President right now, and you will let him know that we have something that belongs to him. Tell him it’s something very, very small, that it has the words ‘Property of Tsuden Inc’ on it, and that if we are unable to see him within the next two minutes, he will be paying his public relations department a lot of overtime pay over the coming weeks.”

The intimidation works on the young woman. She picks up her phone and quietly relays Hijikata’s message to the person on the other end of the call. After she hangs up, she tells Hijikata, “Vice-President Shinohara will see you now, sir. Please take the elevator to the fourteenth floor; his office is suite 1410.”

As Gintoki and Hijikata walk toward the elevator, the receptionist yells out after them, “Wait! You have to leave your swords! Weapons aren’t allowed in the building!”

Hijikata shoots her another scary look, and she pretends she’s too busy answering the phone to pursue the topic any further.

\--------------------

When Gintoki and Hijikata find suite 1410, one of the double-doors to the office is cracked open, so they let themselves in. Shinohara stands up from behind his desk, bows, and says, in that overly-gregarious tone salespeople tend to use when trying to make a sale, “Good morning, gentlemen.” Gesturing toward the two chairs on the opposite side of his desk, he says, “Please, have a seat.”

Gintoki sits, but Hijikata opts to stand behind his chair.

With an air of confidence bordering on arrogance, Shinohara says, “Well, gentlemen, what would you like to discuss?”

Gintoki hikes up the sleeve of his kimono to show his mark. “We know that these are your doing.”

“Really?” Shinohara responds, with feigned ignorance, “I saw on the news that those are soulmate-identifying marks.”

“Yeah, well, we have a friend who’s handy with technology, and he dug a chip out of my arm, from right underneath this mark. He stuck the chip under a microscope, and it says ‘Property of Tsuden Inc’ on it. Would you mind explaining how a microchip belonging to your company came to be in the middle of my forearm?”

Shinohara leans back in his gigantic, pretentious leather chair, and says in a patronizing tone, “Sorry, gentlemen. I have no knowledge of any such thing. Please, leave me your business cards, and I will have our legal department contact you if they are able to share any information.”

Hijikata has had enough of Shinohara’s superiority. He steps forward, draws his sword, and places the tip of the sword on top of Shinohara’s Adam’s apple. “Here’s my ‘business card,’” he growls, “Now, are you _sure_ you don’t have any information you can share with us right now?”

Gintoki leans back in his chair, props his feet up on Shinohara’s desk, and offers some patronizing words of his own. “I have a nasty scar from an encounter with a sword wielded by this man; you may want to do as he says.”

Some fear has crept onto Shinohara’s face, but he remains silent.

With one swift, smooth motion, Hijikata pulls the sword back and plunges it forward, just to the left of Shinohara’s neck. The sword goes all the way through the chair, several centimeters of it sticking out of the back. Hijikata waits a moment, to let the unspoken threat sink in, before pulling the sword out and sheathing it.

Shinohara now looks terrified, and Gintoki wonders if Hijikata intimidated Shinohara into pissing himself.

“Ok, look,” Shinohara says nervously, “It was unintentional, and nobody was hurt. The marks will go away in a couple of days.”

Neither Gintoki nor Hijikata are even remotely satisfied with that answer. “Give us the whole story, from the beginning,” Gintoki prompts Shinohara. All Hijikata has to do is reach toward his sword, and Shinohara knows he better do as he’s told.

“The microchips are part of a revolutionary, new marketing medium. They are more than a simple microchip. They allow advertisements to be displayed directly on a person’s skin.” Shinohara gestures toward his computer and says, “May I?”

When neither Gintoki nor Hijikata object, he turns the monitor toward them and shows them an image of a woman’s arm, with an advertisement on her skin that looks like a colorful tattoo. It's as clear as any magazine or online advertisement. “This is what the advertisement normally looks like. We discovered in early testing that the display causes minor blood vessel damage. It’s basically a very slight bruise, and it fades after a few days. Our engineers are working on a fix for the issue.

“The program is still in the test phase,” Shinohara continues, “The chips were inadvertently activated by one of our programmers, who was working overnight last night. He caught his mistake right away, and we turned the chips off, but by then, the blood vessel damage had already been done.”

Still completely dissatisfied with Shinohara’s answer, Hijikata says, “That explains the marks on the arms, but what about the chips? When did you put those in us?”

“We just expanded our test base beyond our employee beta testers about a month ago. Have you been to the Ooedo Hospital emergency room in the last month?”

“Yes,” Hijikata answers, “but I never gave permission to have a chip put in my arm!”

“Yes, you did,” Shinohara says, “What’s your name?”

Hijikata’s eyebrows narrow, and he says, “Hijikata Toushirou.”

Shinohara turns toward his computer and types and clicks a few times. Soon, a scanned copy of hospital paperwork appears on the monitor, with Hijikata’s signature and a date from three weeks ago at the bottom of the page.

Shinohara points to the middle of the page, which is packed tight with small print, and says, “This section right here reads, ‘By signing below, the patient agrees to participate in third-party trials, which are executed in partnership with Ooedo Hospital. These trials vary in nature but may necessitate administration of medication or other medical procedures. Neither Ooedo Hospital nor its staff are responsible for complications arising from said medication or procedures. Ooedo Hospital’s business partners reserve the right to settle any complaints out-of-court via arbitration.’”

While Hijikata swears under his breath, Gintoki changes the topic. “So, if two people have the same mark, it’s because they were given the same ad? Were the ads just random?”

“No. The advertisement that is served is customizable, based on the consumer’s preferences. Things like age, gender, income level, and location and spending data are fed through an algorithm, which determines which advertisements each consumer is most likely to respond to.”

“This is my first day off since I made that trip to the hospital,” Hijikata says, “Since then, I hadn’t been near a movie theater, until earlier this morning. What data made the algorithm decide to give me a movie theater ad?”

“Oh…um…” Shinohara seems reluctant to answer this question, but another intimidating look from Hijikata prompts an answer. “The chip that was implanted in you three weeks ago isn’t the only chip of ours in your body…”

“What?!” Hijikata yells.

“It’s possible that you’ve had a chip tracking your location and spending patterns for over a decade now. If you give me a moment, I can probably identify what triggered the two of you receiving the Unified Cinemas ad.” Addressing Gintoki, he asks, “What’s your name?”

“Sakata Gintoki.”

Shinohara does some more clicking and typing, and he says, “It looks like the two of you have been to movie theaters together multiple times over the past several years. Typical consumer behavior suggests that serving both of you the same movie theater ad increases the chances that you will go together again.”

“We never went to a movie together,” Hijikata objects, “Well, not _together_ together, anyway.”

“Did we unknowingly give permission for that chip to be implanted as well?” Gintoki asks.

“Yes, though it’s probably in paper records that are kept in offsite storage.” Shinohara offers, “I apologize for the inconvenience this has caused. If you’d like, I can opt you out of further involvement in our trials. We can have Ooedo Hospital remove the chips from both of you, free of charge, of course. Also, if there’s an amount you have in mind, I can contact my accounting department right now to get a monetary settlement arranged, in exchange for your non-disclosure.”

Stroking his chin thoughtfully, Gintoki says, “I think I could be persuaded to keep my mouth shut for a hundred mil--”

Gintoki’s thought is cut off when Hijikata punches him in the ribs. “No,” Hijikata says to Shinohara, “You’re going to need to do more than that. Think about it. You saw that couple on the news this morning, right? They were practically strangers before today, who just happened to see each other during their morning commute. Now, because of what you’ve done, they plan to marry as soon as possible. There’s a chance they’re meant to be together and that they will be happy, but these are people who weren’t even friends, much less lovers. But when they saw the matching marks, they didn’t have a reason to believe anything other than that fate had brought them together. They deserve to know the truth, before they make a decision they might regret for the rest of their lives.”

Shinohara sighs and nods, as though he’d seen this eventuality coming. “I’ll need time to let my legal and public relations teams do their work.”

“You have thirty minutes,” Hijikata tells him, “We’ll wait right here.”

After Shinohara leaves, Gintoki says, “You’re intent on keeping me broke, eh?”

“Get over it. I’m a public servant. I’m here for the good of the public, not for the good of your wallet. It’s not my fault you gamble away every yen you earn.”

“You could have at least asked for a little bit of compensation for our trouble, Bad-Cop-kun.”

“What is with all the nicknames today? I have a name, you know.”

“Yes, I know you have a name. And since most of your job consists of writing, reviewing and signing paperwork, I would think you’d be a little more careful to know what the fuck you’re agreeing to before you lay down the twenty-three strokes it takes to sign that name of yours!”

“You signed the stupid hospital paperwork without reading it, too!”

“Yeah, but as you pointed out earlier, I’m just an uneducated simpleton.” Mockingly, Gintoki says, “Ohh, Hijikata-san, you’re soooo much smarter than I am.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up.”

Rather than bicker further, they sit in Shinohara’s office in silence.

After twenty of the thirty minutes have passed, Shinohara comes back to his office. “We’ve called for a press conference. We will be holding the conference at 12:15, right here, in front of the building. Does that work for you?”

Hijikata nods, and Shinohara leaves again.

\--------------------

A few minutes after noon, one of Shinohara’s underlings comes into his office and says, “Vice-President Shinohara sent me to escort you to the press conference.”

Gintoki and Hijikata follow the man outside, to the front of the building. Everything appears to be ready to go. There are news vans parked on the street, and members of the press have gathered in front of a podium.

Suddenly, Gintoki makes a girly squeal. Hijikata is about to ask what’s wrong with him, but then Gintoki starts speaking to someone in the crowd of reporters. With all the composure of socially-inept teenager, he laughs nervously and says, “G-Good afternoon, K-Ketsuno-san. I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

Ketsuno Ana turns around and smiles cheerfully when she sees Gintoki. She says, “Good afternoon. The station was told this press conference is related to the soulmates story I reported on this morning, so I was sent to cover it. What are you doing here?”

He blushes and, without thinking, sheepishly rubs the back of his neck with his left hand, causing the sleeve of his kimono to slip, exposing the mark on his arm.

Before Gintoki has a chance to answer her question, Ketsuno Ana spots the mark and exclaims, “Ah! Have you found your soulmate?”

Gintoki doesn’t know how to answer that question. He grabs Hijikata’s arm and holds it up, so she can see their matching marks.

“Congratulations!” she says, with a sincere smile.

Hijikata rips his arm away from Gintoki’s hold, and Gintoki sheepishly says, “Um, yeah. Spoiler alert: we’re not soulmates.”

With a look of slight disappointment and confusion, she says, “Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Ugh, I’m not,” Hijikata mutters under his breath.

Just then, Shinohara takes the podium. “Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you for coming. I am Shinohara Souichirou, Vice-President of Tsuden Inc. I’m sure by now everyone is aware of the news that broke earlier today, of dozens of reported incidents of people waking up this morning with marks on their arms. Since some of the marks appeared to be identical, the theory was put forth that these are soulmate-identifying marks. However, this is not the case.”

There are several audible gasps and some muttering among the press. Shinohara continues, “Within the past hour, we were able to confirm that the marks are the result of a Tsuden Inc marketing trial, conducted with the legal permission of the participants. The marks are caused by temporary, minor blood vessel damage and will fade after a few days, with no harmful or lasting effects.”

Shinohara ends his speech with the part that was clearly written by his legal and public relations departments, “Tsuden Inc is committed to the highest standards of accountability and transparency, and we proactively work to ensure the safety and security of our clients and everyone reached by our advertising campaigns. Trial participants will be contacted directly by our legal department within the week with further information.”

Shinohara and his crew step away from the podium and go back into the building.

Gintoki and Hijikata get a front-row view as Ketsuno Ana reports on the press conference. Facing the camera, she says, “It seems Tsuden Inc isn’t fielding questions from the press at this time.” With a sigh, she continues, “I’m not sure what to say in light of that news. When I broke this morning’s news, I’m sure many of you were feeling like I was. I was happy as I interviewed the couple who had found their soulmates. It felt good to believe there was a chance each of us has a special someone out there.

“To hear that the marks mean nothing is admittedly disappointing. But I would encourage everyone not to be disheartened. These marks may be meaningless, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there who is ‘the one’ for you. Marks or no marks, don’t lose hope that you will find that special person some day.

“This has been Ketsuno Ana, reporting live from the Tsuden Inc press conference.”

The cameraman signals to Ketsuno Ana that the broadcast is complete, so Gintoki speaks to her again. “Um, Ketsuno-san…what you said was really nice,” he says, blushing a little.

She gives a warm smile and says, “Thank you. It was good to see you again. I have to get going, but be sure to watch my weather forecast tomorrow morning!”

As she walks away, Gintoki waves and calls after her, “I will! I always do!”

Gintoki and Hijikata stand next to each other, not looking at or speaking to one another. The silence starts to feel awkward to both of them, and Gintoki finally breaks it. “Now will you take me to Tenny’s? It’s lunchtime, and I’m hungry.”

“No! Buy your own lunch,” Hijikata responds. After a pause, he continues, “Actually, I should probably write up a report on what happened today, for Shinsengumi records.”

Gintoki says sarcastically, “Hmm, fun. You do that, Paperwork-kun.” As he walks away, he says, “It’s fine. I’ll just go home and eat. There’s food there, for once, and I want to eat it before Kagura gets to it.”

Hijikata walks in the opposite direction and says, in a disinterested tone, “All right. Later, sugar freak.”

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Around ten o’clock that night, Hijikata sits on the edge of the porch outside his room, smoking a cigarette and enjoying the cool night air. He thinks back to what Ketsuno Ana had said about the marks. She was right; he shouldn’t feel disheartened, but it’s hard not to. He has never been a slave to the idea of predestination, but part of him has always believed there must be that ‘one’ person out there for him. This morning, he briefly allowed himself to think the mark might lead him to his ‘one,’ and it was disappointing to so quickly find out that wasn’t the case.

He’d spent years hoping to hell his ‘one’ wasn’t Mitsuba, after the way he’d walked away from her. And when he saw the matching mark on Gintoki’s arm this morning, he’d hoped to hell it wasn’t him, because how fucked-up would that be? The universe would have to have a really fucked-up sense of humor to pair up the Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi and the infamous Shiroyasha.

And that’s not even mentioning the obvious issue of pairing up two straight guys. After the way Gintoki acted in front of Ketsuno Ana, he’s clearly straight.

Also, since when does Gintoki know Ketsuno Ana? That was news to Hijikata.

Hijikata frowns as he thinks back on Gintoki’s behavior this morning. Why did he call him a dozen different nicknames? That’s the kind of thing a twelve-year-old boy would do, as a stupid way of flirting with a girl he has a crush on. Also, what was with the joke about Hijikata’s name having twenty-three strokes in it?

Using his cigarette as a substitute for having a pen in his hand, he slowly traces out his own name in the air, counting the strokes as he goes. _‘Holy shit,’_ he thinks to himself, _‘my name really does have twenty-three strokes! Why does he know that?’_

Before he has a chance to ponder that question further, he hears a rustling in the nearby bushes. He reaches toward his sword, but then he sees a puff of silver hair sticking up from behind a bush. “Hey, asshole. I can see you.”

Gintoki comes out from his hiding spot. “What were you doing just now?” he asks, referring to Hijikata’s air-signature.

“None of your business. What the fuck are you doing here? Did we not spend enough quality time together today?”

Gintoki sits down next to Hijikata and says, “Calm down. I just came to give you this.” He hands him two Unified Cinemas movie passes. “I went to the Unified Cinemas offices this afternoon and showed them my mark. They felt bad about it, and they apologized and gave me a four-pack of movie passes, to make it up to me. I figured you were entitled to half.”

“So, you went to the Unified Cinemas offices and raised a ruckus, and they gave you movie passes to get you to go away?”

Gintoki smirks and says, “That doesn’t sound like something I would do.”

Hijikata’s cigarette is almost burned down to the filter, so he puts it out. The two of them sit in silence, gazing at the stars.

A couple minutes later, still looking up at the night sky, Gintoki speaks, in an unusually serious tone. “You know, I never believed in destiny or the red string of fate or anything like that. I couldn’t accept the idea that some god or the universe was making my decisions for me. Not believing in fate is nice, because it means I drive my own destiny. But at the same time, it also means I can’t rest assured that there’s someone out there that I’m destined to share my life with. I’ve gotten used to being alone, but some days, it really sucks.”

Gintoki stands up and faces Hijikata. He continues, “But for a little while today, I almost had a soulmate.”

Gintoki leans down and places his lips against Hijikata’s. It’s just a kiss on the lips, no tongue involved. Hijikata doesn’t even have time to decide whether to kiss him back or punch him in the dick, because as quickly as Gintoki had put his lips against his, the kiss is done and he’s walking away.

Over his shoulder, Gintoki waves and says, “Goodnight, Former-Almost-Soulmate-kun.”

Hijikata can’t think of anything to say in return. He just watches, as the man he once thought of as an enemy sneaks back out of Shinsengumi headquarters. Over time, he had come to think of Gintoki in more of a neutral light. He was not quite an enemy but not quite a friend. He thinks his assessment of Gintoki has just changed again, though he can’t say exactly what he thinks of him now. Well, other than he now thinks Gintoki was definitely attempting to flirt with him earlier today, in his own awkward way.

He lights another cigarette. In retrospect, he feels stupid for believing for one second that the universe would ever use something so ridiculous as matching marks on the skin to bring soulmates together. The universe would probably be a little more subtle than that.

He thinks back to all the times he and Gintoki wound up in the same place, at the same time, sometimes despite actively trying to avoid each other. Maybe the universe was trying to tell them something. He chuckles under his breath at the notion. It seems the universe has a fucked-up sense of humor after all.

Looking down at the movie passes, he thinks, _‘Maybe I should take the universe’s hint and see if that guy wants to go to a movie with me.’_ He takes a long, slow drag and thinks better of it. _‘Or maybe not. He’ll be everywhere I go the next time I take a day off, regardless. Maybe that’s good enough, for now.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Gintama fans are the best.
> 
> Author's notes (to prevent me from being a plagiarist):  
> • I obviously stole, like, everything from Sorachi sensei.  
> • Since I'm terrible at choosing Japanese personal names, I straight-up stole the names Hikaru, Haruka and Shinohara Souichirou from the ~~tragic stepbrother rape BL~~ manga “Kokoro o Korosu Houhou” by Kashio.  
>  • Unified Cinemas was inspired by United Cinemas, which is a real movie theater chain in Japan.  
> • Tsuden Inc was inspired by Dentsu Inc, which is a real Japanese marketing agency (they actually do way more than marketing, and you’ve seen their name on the Gintama beginning credits).  
> • Some of the jargon in the hospital’s paperwork was inspired by YouTube’s T&Cs.  
> • The public-relations-sounding portion of the press conference was lifted nearly verbatim from the 2017 Verizon press release regarding the 2013 Yahoo data breach.


End file.
